The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
