what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
