I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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