i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
