The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
