There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
