you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
