YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize