I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
