i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize