Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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