Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
