i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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