you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Life is so much better after having sex.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
