Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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