so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
