Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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