it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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