Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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