I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
