i just snorted my name. best moment ever
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
