i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
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