My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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