is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
