trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My vagina is officially offended.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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