i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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