Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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