im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
