I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
