so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
