I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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