my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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