I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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