You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
