Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
