Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
