Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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