i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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