12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize