we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
