Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
