I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
