wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My vagina just recognized that song.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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