just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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