If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
It's never too late to be topless.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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