terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
