shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
