yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Randomize
