I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
