im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
