party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
