why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
