Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize