new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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