trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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