A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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